My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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