The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
