Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
