Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
