then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
