Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
We should try that some time.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me