I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
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Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
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He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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