There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca