she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Randomize
