If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
there is glitter all over my balls
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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