I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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