I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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