moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
