Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
