just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
