I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
