My hair reeks of homosexuality.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
