Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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