You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
