im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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