You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
