My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
