I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
