Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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