i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
