She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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