We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
