i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
