Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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