He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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