i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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