omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
