When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
