Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
