i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
