I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
It's never too late to be topless.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
