i would punch a child for taco bell
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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