It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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