Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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