hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
last night I used snow as a chaser
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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