I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
