She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
