the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
