I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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