He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
