i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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