Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
