The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
