Who wears a wallet chain?!
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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