P.S. I can't hear my feet
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
You pole danced in your parka.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
