My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
