It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
