there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You ruined the universe
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
