i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
