Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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