she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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