I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
