Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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