the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
